Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Milenge Milenge [Kapoor Khazana Month]

"Mujhe khana pakana aur gana bajana hai, lekin tumko destiny badlana hai!"
With Kapoor Khazana in full swing across the blogosphere this entire month (surely Sanjeev Kapoor gets a look in - after all he does present Khana Khazana...), I thought it about time I joined the party. Unlike Sanjeev Kapoor, I won't be bringing any mouth-watering dishes to this party, but I am reviewing Milenge Milenge, the much-anticipated (but heavily delayed) film starring Kareena Kapoor and Shahid Kapoor (but more importantly Kareena; if only Shahid had a family dynasty like his co-star...). Kareena plays Priya, a girl who loves her morning cups of coffee (don't we all), loves painting, loves dancing, hates smokers (more on that later) and wouldn't hesistate to walk children across a zebra-crossing (she gives a new name to lollipop ladies; bollipop lady?!?). 

The apple of everyones' eye ate the seb while thinking of Saif
Basically, she's full of life, full of spice! (not my words but those sung during the film's intro) The song also describes Priya as "the apple of everyone's eye". If we're on the whole comparing Bollywood actors with fruits subject (I never thought I'd write that this morning!), then surely Shahid Kapoor is a banana? Why? Because he's tough on the outside yet soft and sweet on the inside! (and sometimes you may unknowingly buy a banana that's ripped...) Priya and her friends (one of whom looks decidely older than the rest, but hey, give a woman pigtails and the wonders it will do for her age...) decide on a get-together for lunch, but Priya's reluctant because she's got dance rehearsals (she's full of life, but doesn't want to be full of rice...). But Priya reluctantly agrees, as she's told "you'll miss a big opportunity if you don't come". This "big opportunity" takes the shape of one of the girls' aunts (played by Kirron Kher), who is a famous tarot card reader from Bangalore (aren't they all...). Aunty ji (what else should I call her?!?) tells Priya that "You were born in a place that's surrounded by water. Maybe in Mumbai."

Pyaar Ka Punchnama ya underarm ka gandha-ma?
With the prediction of Priya being born in a pond correct (I'm guessing it's a pond; I wouldn't dare say it was a gutter...), Aunti ji moves onto the next reading. "And in your childhood, when you were young, around six or seven, I see tragedy. And your parents..." Maybe it's a case of life imitating art, because when Kareena was young, she met a boy by the name of Saif, who rejected her for another girl. It was a real tragedy... (don't quote me on this; It'll make more sense when you read my review of Peepli [Live]) Tarot aunty goes on to say "You're more interested in settling down than your career. You are actually waiting for Mr. Right. Am I right?" Of course Priya is gobsmacked, amazed at how powerfully true Aunty ji's predictions are (Aunty ji's hair is so big that it could easily disguise an earpiece...). All Priya wants is "To get married, have a good husband, a small house, two cute children." The only difference between Priya and the real Kareena Kapoor is that the latter can afford a big house... (for all the little "bebos" to run around in!)

"If I'm Honey that makes you the sugar Aunty and Priya the spice!"
And so the film shifts into gear (well to be frank only into first) when Priya asks Aunty ji when she'll meet her life partner. Like an answer like that can be given easily (but remember this is Bollywood!). Aunty ji gets Priya to shuffle some tarot cards in order for her to find her jivan sathi (they could have played a certain card game instead to reveal her destiny to marry a Black man named Jack...). Priya's told she'll find her life partner "on the seventh of this month", to which Priya replies "Today's the first. That means seven days from now." Hold on a second. One add seven is eight, not seven! It looks like Priya was so busy with her dance classes that she forgot to attend math classes... (you can't blame her though, after all she was dealing with the aforementioned tragedy; #she's not full of maths, she's not full of tests, uh-huh!#) 

The destiny-tion of destiny was destined to be Destiny Islands (because it doesn't exist!)
Aunty ji goes on to say "You'll find him at seven o'clock in the morning. In a foreign country, close to water. Maybe on a beach." As much as I tried not to think of him, I couldn't get Akhiri Pasta (from Housefull) out of my head when she said this, after all, he lives in Puglia in Italy, and he serenaded Jiah Khan and Akshay Kumar's newlywed couple on a beach in that film. But whether he's an early riser or not, your guess is as good as mine... ("Alore! Mia was sleeping, but not snore-ay!") Priya  then says "I've no program to go to a foreign country.", to which Aunty ji replies "You won't go Priya, destiny will take you there." Destiny? Ah, of course, she must be talking about Destiny Airways, where the flight's are always cheap but the passengers never are... (either that or Priya's got a black friend called Destiny, who is of course the sister of Priya's black Jack!) 

Immy: "Smoking-kala-fag-is-balllistic-Calci-is-just-atrocious!"

Priya's told that she will recognise her life partner by the seven different colours he will be wearing. However Priya's friend Honey (played by Delnaaz Paul; the friend who I earlier mentioned looks older than her peers), is doubtful of Aunty ji's readings. She says "Priya wants three boys and not one. She wants a boy that doesn't smoke, drink or lie. You tell me in the current era can one boy have all these qualities?" Well Honey (they won't be making any money off this honey), a boy can, just look at a certain Akshay Kumar! Although he does lie from time to time... (he told the press that Tees Maar Khan was a good film!) Aunty ji cannot guarantee that Priya's man won't do these things, so it's perfect that Immy (or real name Amit; played by Shahid Kapoor), who smokes and drinks (and later will lie), will eventually be her man. Immy's friends are disapproving of his habit, especially Calci (named thusly because he lacks calcium? Judging by his lack of hair...), who says "Our body is like a temple. We should alway keep it clean." Well a lot of people believe Katrina Kaif's body is a temple, whether it is clean or not I cannot say, but what I do know is that Salman Khan was at her temple worshipping it everyday... (surely she's the god of vanity?)

The Five Mascara-teers were Dressed To Kill as they came to steal Priya's Toot(h)sie
Priya's destiny takes her and Immy to Bangkok, on a youth program (clearly a fictional event), where they're told by the an event representative (another generic foreigner) that males and females will live in separate hostels, and that no students should interact with each other after eight p.m. But with the boys being boys (who like to play with their toys toys), Immy and company (they're definetly not a Badmaash Company) decide to sneak into the girls hostel late at night. But not dressed as they normally would, oh no. They walk in, dressed as woman (or men with bad taste), and enter a girl's room in the guise of celebrating her birthday. I tell you, these were some of the most strangest scenes in Bollywood I've ever seen, and I've seen a fair few films in my time! The hostel's matron becomes suspicious as she hears music; the trannies (pre-op of course...) are dancing to 'No Entry' (oh the irony!). 

"All the single ladies, all the single ladies, who did this? Put your hands up!"
They fob off the matron by telling her (in mock womens' voices of course) they're there to celebrate Nandini's birthday. But then, all of a sudden, a football pops out from Immy's friend's (who I'll talk about more in-depth in the next post) bosom. Strange that he needed to put two footballs there (you know where!) to convince people he's (or should that be 'she's'?) actually a woman, considering he's already on the large side... It was so funny to watch the ball just bounce as the group looked panicked. They then proceeded to "bhaag bhaag nikalo nikalo!" (not a plug for Delhi Belly I assure you...) While I try and get the thought of Bollywood making a film titled 'Full Entry' starring those lovely ladies out of my head, check out four of my favourite songs from the film (#Yes baba, yes baba, full entry...#).

#"Tujhe dekha toh yeh jaana sanam, churaya hai teri diary sanam..."#
Immy randomly enters a girl's room, which luckily (it's "destiny" I tell you!) happens to be Priya's. Immy pulls off his disguise (he wasn't fooling anyone) and it's love at first sight as he glances at Priya for the first time. Oh and he steals Priya's diary (the first rule of girl club: you don't steal a girl's diary!). And upon reading Priya's diary Immy decides to fulfill Priya's so-called destiny. She spots Immy playing a guitar on the beach with the sun having risen in the background (I believe this is how Kareena spotted Saif...). 

"I'm Immy Montana! You play luck with me, you're being lucky with the best!"
In order for Immy to be her man she looks to she if he's adorned in the seven colours that Aunty ji predicted her man would be wearing. There's only the faintest of difference between some colours - I never knew 'jeans' blue and long-sleeved top 'blue' could be classed as different colours! (neither was even dark) Who knew a 'Scarface' top could be so colour friendly! ("say hello to my little colours!") With Immy having successfully got his friend to return Priya's diary to her without suspicion, he dumps his cigarette (his body is a temple; he recites the same words Calci used back at Calci) and shows what a stand-up guy he is to Priya. Immy's put in the deep end as Priya decides that Immy would be perfect as a spokesperson for anti-smoking. Immy points out that Calci looks like a thirty-five to forty year old man (the good, the bald, and the baldy) purely because he smokes (and not because he doesn't drink milk right?), but in actual fact he's twenty-four. If only anti-smoking campaigns in real-life were this hard-hitting!

He was destiny's child but she was very much an independent woman
Both Immy and Priya renounce their dislike of alchohol, just as Priya begins falling for him. Then she discovers that he xeroxed her diary, and thus begins their separation (they were barely together!). Shahid gives a seminal performance during the film's serious moments - it really shows his talent to come (or his talent that already been displayed; depending on whether you know the film was filmed way before its 2010 release date or not). Immy tells Priya its destiny that they are to be together, by literally pointing out that they are standing outside a mall called 'Destiny' (Destiny Airways have branched out much like easyJet did...). Priya decides that destiny will bring them together (rather than love), so Immy's to write his name and number on a bank note, which then through circulation (by purchasing a book called 'Numerology'; surely her destiny can't be as bad as her math) should come back to Priya if they truly are meant to be together. Priya decides that destiny works both ways (or three ways in the case of Destiny's Child) as she writes her name inside the book, and then sells it. 

The Indian Avengers: Destinyman met Sikhman as Batman Begins... (annoying Immy!)
The film then does its best to confuse you as the whole fate angle is explored to death (they are star-crossed lovers and I crossed my stars out for my rating of this film). They decide to get in separate elevators, and if they both press the button for the same floor - then they are meant to be one (or they could both be living on the same floor in the hotel). Unfortunately for Immy, a Sikh man and his son (I think), the latter of whom is dressed in a Batman outfit, enter his elevator. The Sikh man says "my son will be an actor someday!" to which Immy was probably (not) thinking "If he becomes an actor then I'll play Catwoman some day!" Because you see, the kid is so annoying (he presses all the buttons on the elevator just for fun while shouting "yeh yeh!") it's hard to believe. Milenge Milenge was so heavily delayed that it wouldn't be too far of a stretch to think that that kid grew up to play the superhero in Krrish... (Roshan to the rescue!) 

"No fear, mera beta ka tofa hai Sophia, so put down your your beers and cheer!"
Immy's father (the bouncy, bubbly, moustachey sort of father; Trilok Kapoor played by Satish Shah) decides that Immy's to marry Sophia (played by Aarti Chhabria; she's actually more pretty than Priya), in front of an audience who strangely clap like the trio are singing or something! (Ready? #Humko pyar hua, Priya hui loo-ser...#) Signs for Priya and Immy's destiny are everywhere, quite literally - 'Priya Sarees' (here's my take: 'L-immy-ca l-immy-ca priyo priyo, aur khub maze se jiyo jiyo!'). There's also a guy singing "O Priya, O Priya, there's no one like you!" (well there is, Kareena's sister Karisma playing Mia in the rumoured sequel...) in the car next to Immy. With failed attempt to find the Neurology book after failed attempt, Immy decides the last resort is to track down the bill of the scarf Priya bought with him at a clothes store, in order to locate Priya (to convince us the plot is semi-realistic three years have expired since the events in Bangkok). So off goes Immy to Delhi, and Priya abandons her fiancee to meet her friends in Delhi. Perfect. I was confused at different points throughout the film as to where in India they were (but one thing's for certain - #East or West, India is the best!#), but it all made sense towards the end when Immy and his friend's taxi driver said "Just like there's New Delhi and old Delhi, similarly there's Santacruz east and Santacruz west in Mumbai. It's very far, Worli, Dadar, Byculla..." I'd have to agree with this point, I've been to Mumbai for an extensive period of time and Santacruz is huge (I was there during Christmas, cruising for Santas...)

Kareena felt Far from home and ill after eating a Bun while promoting Ra.One
Priya somehow manages to get herself on a radio show to profess her love for Immy and how much she misses him (because the whole world would want to know right?). This sparks empathy from callers all around India - I was surprised Priya and her friend didn't stick missing posters everywhere! As Honey dances while flicking TV channels (this was just stupid), Priya notices Aunty ji on one channel, giving her reading to another (hapless) person (this just proves fortune tellers peddle the same old garbage). But alas, she goes back to Aunty ji, and after picking a few tarot cards, she tells Priya she can't help her because she tested destiny and now destiny is testing her (does destiny know she's no good at math?). 

Ijaaz ka jawab tha "yeh kitaab meh do Kapoor equals poor!" (film)
There's a funny scene involving the bookstall owner called Ijaaz (played by Satish Kaushik) who having unknowingly sold a man the Numerology book (that Priya wrote her inside of; it would have helped with her math if she had kept it) for thirty rupees, buys back the book for two hundred rupees! And then he proceeds to go to Immy's house, and hands the book over to Immy's wife Sophia, wanting five thousand rupees in return for it. He asks Sophia "Are you his sister?", to which Sophia replies "No, I'm his fiance." Bookseller bhai (he's my brother from another bookseller) then hilariously says "Oh, fancy. You're his cousin sister." So I'm guessing he thinks they're Muslim... 

Bebo sat down as Jejo (jig early jig often) bat the remote around
Does Priya eventually find the banknote Immy wrote his name and number on? Does destiny bring Immy and Priya together? (let's just say I found it unbelievable that Sophia would accept Immy's divorce without a fight...) Does Honey stop dancing at inopportune moments? You'll just have to watch the film to find out! As I mentioned earlier, this film really showed Shahid Kapoor's strength as an actor. But I wouldn't say he's had that one defining role as of yet. He's dabbled with playing a woman in this film, and I must say it came across quite well. Who knows, to really be up there with the greats of Bollywood he may have undergo a transformation (he could play Catwoman like I mentioned earlier), be it a character with a facial disfigurement or a disability (e.g. Shahrukh Khan in My Name Is Khan). After all, Robin Williams transformed himself for a particular film, and it did wonders for his career... Why should Shahid? Because it's his DESTINY of course!

She smokes cigarettes. She drinks alcohol. She reads girls' diaries. She's a blessing... in disguise

Don't know what Akshaye Khanna signifies?
No he's not one of the men Aunty ji predicted
would be Priya's jivan sathi using her tarot cards
(let's just say the 'fool' card kept reappearing).
Read my
Rating Aur Hating post to find out... 

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